Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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