You smell like a Billy Joel song
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
