Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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