batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize