Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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