I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
