apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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