i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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