Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
