Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
