you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
