"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
