just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My vagina just recognized that song.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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