3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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