The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
