At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
