This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
