um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
