I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
