Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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