when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
