Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
