I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
