i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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