I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
