yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
