my phone needs a breathalizer
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
