wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Found the puke drawer
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
