I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize