i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i will never coherently bang her
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize