Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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