My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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