Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize