it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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