It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
