the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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