you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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