remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
