Don't you send me to vm
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
