Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
