I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
