I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i came on her dog
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
