True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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