awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
