Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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