you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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