Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We just shotgunned beers for America
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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