Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
