i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
