shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
