You made me cry and you don't even care
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
