thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
