sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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